we used to microwave, now we just eat nuts and berries

so part of being a vegetarian, as you're all probably well aware, is having to deal with jokes about all the wholefoods you apparently solely consume. now, as an omnivore i never really saw anything wrong with the humble lentil, chickpea, or slab of tofu, in fact in a fair few of the recipes i use regularly they were something i could get excited about. as as an omnivore i never took any shit for it. but the minute you announce you don't eat meat, whether you eat these things or not, the jokes and disparaging comments abound, from what i would, anyway, classify as the meat and two veg bores of the universe. if you can't imagine meals without meat on a regular basis, you're not thinking hard enough about what you eat, is my theory. i have always been evangelical about vegetables; nothing upsets me more than people suggesting they are merely boiled supporting actors to the starring role of a roast. somebody grew that in the ground, watered it, fought off slugs, and harvested it. show some damn respect, yeah? i don't want to go too far into the opposite territory and become a joyless gwyneth paltrow style plant material bore, nor fetishize fruits in the language of female sexuality as so many cookery writers are apt to do, but i do think it's probably time that some of these supposed tasteless, joyless foods got their time in the sun.

on that note, ladies and gentlemen, i am here to talk to you on behalf of the much-misunderstood tofu. ever since my dad's then-girfriend-now-wife ordered spicy fried beancurd while we were having chinese food at twins in southsea (possibly the best chinese restaurant i have visited ever; portsmouth locals should note it is situated at the top of festing road), i have found opportunities to order fried tofu in any form i can get it, pretty much every time i have had any kind of asian cuisine. why? because it's good. texturally it gains itself a ridiculously crisp and toothsome coat, while remaining gloriously creamy inside, and it absorbs all manner of wonderful flavours easily. i only really started cooking with it about a year ago. as a home ingredient it can seem kind of daunting, i guess, given how entangled it is into the whole po-faced health-motivated movement, but there is one bloke who can drag me straight out of my self-outlined comfort zones (no ed, it's not you, we'll chalk up a success to you on that if i ever take your advice and make pasta), and his name is yotam ottolenghi. the recipe for the black pepper tofu i am about to write about is in plenty, his collection of recipes for the guardian weekend's 'new vegetarian' column, but i first encountered it in an a5 booklet previewing it, free with the observer.

before i write about it, i'll just make two things clear. one, i halved this recipe and still had leftovers (it doesn't reheat very well but the tofu pieces are pretty sweet in flatbread with salad the next day), and two, ottolenghi mentions nothing of pressing the tofu prior to cooking with it. whether this is assumed knowledge, or he just doesn't do it, i still do it regardless, placing my block of tofu between two plates and putting a heavy weight on it (i always have at least one unopened two kilo bread flour bag in my house, but you can use a norton anthology of literature in a pinch, i've found) for an hour, a couple if possible. it gets rid of the excessive moisture that can cause the tofu to fall apart.

so anyway:

black pepper tofu

800g firm tofu
vegetable oil for frying
cornflour to dust the tofu
150g butter
12 small shallots, thinly sliced
8 fresh red chillies, thinly sliced (fairly mild ones)
12 garlic cloves, crushed
3 tbsp chopped fresh root ginger
3 tbsp sweet soy sauce (kecap manis)
3 tbsp light soy sauce
3 tbsp dark soy sauce
2 tbsp caster sugar
5 tbsp coarsely crushed black peppercorns
16 small and thin spring onions, cut into 3cm segments

start with the tofu. pour enough oil into a large frying pan or wok to come 5mm up the sides and heat. cut the tofu into large cubes, about 2-3cm. toss them in some cornflour and shake off the excess, then add to the hot oil (you'll need to do this in batches so they don't stew in the pan.) fry, turning them around as you go, until they are golden all over and have formed a crust. as they are cooked, transfer them onto kitchen paper.

remove the oil and any residue from the pan, then put the butter inside and melt it. add the shallots, chillies, ginger and garlic. saute on a low to medium heat for about 15 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the ingredients have turned shiny and are totally soft. next, add the soy sauces and sugar and stir, then the crushed black pepper.

add the tofu to warm it up in the sauce for about a minute. finally, stir in the spring onions. serve hot with steamed rice.

so here is mine:


as usual, terrible pictures are de rigeur at casa mitchell, but you get the idea. this is a startlingly simple recipe to make, so imagine my joy at having seen contestants freaking out at doing something i make for dinner on a fairly regular basis on this year's series of masterchef. does wonders for the kitchen potterer's ego, seeing something like that. this recipe is a joy in the eating too, spicy, sweet, soft and crisp, all at the same time. i normally include some steamed greens as well as the rice, just because greens of any kind please me in ways other food doesn't, but this time i had it with steamed asparagus i had leftover from an impulse market bulk buy, and bloody marvellous it was too. i'm not gonna give it any of that 'you can feel it doing you good' nonsense, because you're too busy being hit by all the flavour and texture to feel anything, so i'd be lying to you. i'd happily feed this to any 'i'm not eating that weird soybean shit' archetype, not out of a desire to be bold and confrontational but out of a desire to show them exactly how good it can be. also, i have previously veganized it by using vegan margarine instead of butter, but, and here i must concede to my own tastebuds, it wasn't as good. the margarine doesn't 'take' the flavours so well, everything remains seperate. but then, posting a totally vegan, straight up and down tofu recipe just wouldn't be my style, would it? as you can see, i remain a fully paid up hysterical ottolenghi convert, and that isn't about to change any time soon.